Despite the genuine chemistry with Texas Ranger, I met with a fourth man, let’s call him Not A Doctor, at his apartment.
I emailed him beforehand: “Since meeting at your place is somewhat shady, just promise me that if you rape and kill me that you’ll tell my family where to find the body, and not that we met via AM." He was in the process of divorcing his wife, a relationship that, per my prodding, seemed volatile and doomed from the start.
He loves his girlfriend and intends to propose marriage. There is no one to talk to about it all, to reflect on my actions, to process the big picture. I can't seek advice for marital spats or discuss fertility woes.
I love my husband and intend to become pregnant with another child. For one, I sincerely like him, but also there’s an addictive quality to it all. My insatiable appetite, not just for the sex, but for the whole confusing mix of physical and emotional feelings, persists. And I can't talk to my husband about my lover.
I'd read about the Ashley Madison website in a magazine article a year or two before, filing the data away for potential future use. Skeptical, I provided very little identifying information on my profile at registration. The personal details I did eventually include were guarded and vanilla. I looked for handsome faces, some semblance of professional success, and proper grammar/punctuation.
Not long after, I looked online to see what the website purported to deliver. I wanted to hunt without being hunted, and was afraid I'd be found out. It wasn't quite like shopping for shoes at Nordstrom, where everything is beautifully displayed and screams "Buy me! " -- but the selection was certainly better than the Goodwill thrift shop down the road.
He asked smart questions, and actually listened to the answers. He described himself as someone who desired to meet and expand, to discover and know.
Technically speaking, Texas Ranger and I have no future together. But ironically, there’s also a very isolating quality to infidelity.
Nonetheless, I was immediately attracted, drawn to him as if we’d known each other for years.
We drank whiskey and discussed the confines of monogamy. I talked passionately about my work, and pressed him for details about his confidential military job.
But when I met my now-husband, and we worked through a lot of the baggage I brought into the relationship, I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. His AM profile pictures were high-quality and showcased his many mountain adventures. Doing my pre-meeting detective work, I discovered we shared a mutual Facebook friend. It is a small world after all, and I was hoping to make my world feel bigger, not smaller. The LDS Lawyer and I continued to meet like this for several months, fooling around, but never actually having sex.
I liked him well enough, but when he confessed that he masturbated to the thought of impregnating me and professed that he was "mildly" in love with me, I broke off the relationship. His was one of the first profile photos I noticed, and he wasn't immediately responsive to my initial message.